A Working Actor's Lament (Chapter 18)
"An Actor by Any Other Name..."
As the actor sat behind the desk, trapped in his working class physique, he began to think about his name. Was it enough to get him noticed? He was, after all, using his birth name. Sean Spence. A solid name. The name of someone you could trust with your life if your life depended on a man who had the strength of 3 medium built Junior High girls who played the flute, the oboe and the clarinet. A name that, when spoken, brought fear to the hearts of tiny defenseless puppies who didn't know any better. He pondered what could be better.
He started to notice a trend in the Woods of Holly. Many actors with solid names, Vince Vaughn, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, were all updating their monikers. The simple addition of a woman into their lives was the only change. It was not as if they were taking the woman's last name; no, it was more creative. They would merge their names, the way a Yugo merges onto the interstate without seeing the 18-wheeler coming at it with break-neck speed only to be crushed and mangled beyond any recognition of it's former self. Vaughniston, Brangelina, Tomkat, Bennifer. Yes! This was the way into the hearts of his public. But would it work?
He sat back and thought of the other famous couplings from those Angels of Los and wondered why everyone wasn't doing this throughout the history of celebrity:
Ashton and Demi = Ashmi
Kurt and Goldie = Kurldie
Kevin and Britney = Kritney
Frankie and Annette = Franette
Fred and Ginger = Fringer
Warren and Annette = Wanette
Paul and Joanne = Paulanne
Siskle and Ebert = Sisbert
Homer and Marge = Homarge
Tracy and Hepburn = Trapburn
Romeo and Juliet = Romiet
Ken and Barbie = Karbie
Laurel and Hardy = Lardy
John, Paul, George and Ringo = Joulorgo
He leaned back in his comfy swivel chair with the squeaky rollers (squollers) and the springy cushion (sprushion) and thought to himself, "Sean Spence is not a bad name. Not a bad name at all."
As the actor sat behind the desk, trapped in his working class physique, he began to think about his name. Was it enough to get him noticed? He was, after all, using his birth name. Sean Spence. A solid name. The name of someone you could trust with your life if your life depended on a man who had the strength of 3 medium built Junior High girls who played the flute, the oboe and the clarinet. A name that, when spoken, brought fear to the hearts of tiny defenseless puppies who didn't know any better. He pondered what could be better.
He started to notice a trend in the Woods of Holly. Many actors with solid names, Vince Vaughn, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, were all updating their monikers. The simple addition of a woman into their lives was the only change. It was not as if they were taking the woman's last name; no, it was more creative. They would merge their names, the way a Yugo merges onto the interstate without seeing the 18-wheeler coming at it with break-neck speed only to be crushed and mangled beyond any recognition of it's former self. Vaughniston, Brangelina, Tomkat, Bennifer. Yes! This was the way into the hearts of his public. But would it work?
He sat back and thought of the other famous couplings from those Angels of Los and wondered why everyone wasn't doing this throughout the history of celebrity:
Ashton and Demi = Ashmi
Kurt and Goldie = Kurldie
Kevin and Britney = Kritney
Frankie and Annette = Franette
Fred and Ginger = Fringer
Warren and Annette = Wanette
Paul and Joanne = Paulanne
Siskle and Ebert = Sisbert
Homer and Marge = Homarge
Tracy and Hepburn = Trapburn
Romeo and Juliet = Romiet
Ken and Barbie = Karbie
Laurel and Hardy = Lardy
John, Paul, George and Ringo = Joulorgo
He leaned back in his comfy swivel chair with the squeaky rollers (squollers) and the springy cushion (sprushion) and thought to himself, "Sean Spence is not a bad name. Not a bad name at all."
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