Drug Mules - It's What's On The Inside That Counts

I was recently reading an article about a drug mule (someone who swallows drugs in balloons and smuggles them into another country) that had me thinking why I don't do drugs.

There was a man who was traveling from Argentina with 86 packets of heroin that he swallowed and was trafficking into Sydney, Australia. The flight was 12 hours, and when he arrived in Sydney he was detained by the officials who waited for the man to pass the balloons. This is also the topic of "Maria, Full of Grace", a movie that depicts a pregnant woman who does the exact same to get out of a life that she no longer wants. Thinking about both of these situations made me realize why I don't do drugs or have anything to do with the taking of or distribution of any drugs:

1. Clowns. My fear of clowns is deep rooted into my psyche and would take too long to explain. However, clowns have this fascination with balloons - balloon animals, water balloons - you name it, clowns will figure in a balloon somehow. The thought of a clown shoving upwards of 80 balloons down my throat with their tiny cars and grease make-up would drive me to the brink of insanity. No way.
2. Bran - Oatmeal - Muesli. Do you know how much of this stuff you would have to eat to get that other stuff out of you. I think not.
3. That Bloated Look. How can I get any acting job if my stomach is all 'pouchy'? I'm not, and I will not let drugs stop me from meeting Quentin Tarantino or Jeff Goldblum.
4. American Idol. Look, if one of those balloons decides to burst, that might cause me to go into a drug-induced coma and miss the next installment of my favorite reality show. I would hate for my vote not to count because I can't dial the hospital phone.
5. Delta Airlines. 12 hours on Delta...don't get me started.

Yes, mom and dad, you will never have to worry about your son ever doing heroin, pot, ruffies, bennies, black beauties, haze, hash, mollys, brown sugar, captain jacks, glory sticks, hairy rags, purps, tweed, butter sandwiches, Bogota bullions, Colombian marching powder, Mexican dirt, cornbreads, special-k's, lucifer's left nostril, hocus pocus, toots, white lions, dextos, skittles, doves, egg rolls, pingers, or scooby snacks. And, definitely not love bugs...

...or whatever the kids are calling it these days.