A Working Actor's Lament (Chapter 24)

"Laura Ingalls meets Jesus"

The actor kissed his wife, put 2 quarters in the meter, and they went their separate ways. She was on her way to the Linen Store to look for more 500 thread count sheets that they didn't need. He was on his way to an equity waiver audition for "Leipzig", starring Melissa Gilbert. As he opened the door to the audition room, little did he know what drama was going to unfold.

He signed in a good 30 minutes early...too early by his acting teacher, but when you find a good parking space in 95 degree weather, you want to get into air conditioning as soon as possible. Looking over the sign-in sheet, he noticed about 10 guys in front of him. He had plenty of time to look over the lines of his character.

He was called in for the role of Jesus. He thought he would have to work on his Mexican accent until he read the sides. He was actually reading for Jesus...son of God...sacrificed his life for man's sins...THE Jesus. He cursed the day he stopped going to Sunday School. Did he have enough time to go to the local Borders and get the Cliff Notes on the Bible? He hoped what he could remember would suffice. He skimmed over the sides for his character and realized that his knowledge of the Son of God would be enough. The role of Jesus was "HELEN'S IMAGINARY FRIEND SINCE CHILDHOOD, he is a wry-witted incarnation of Jesus who is always there to help guide her through difficult periods, quick to reassure Helen that her journey into the past is an important one. He also helps to familiarize her with her Jewish roots" Jesus...wry-witted? They don't tell you that in Bible School, he thought, but he decided to roll with it.

As he sat down on the comfy wooden bench next to the water cooler, he watched as the door opened and another actor would enter or leave. Forty minutes sitting there. He thought how the time was flying by, each minute shorter than the next. Then, the door opened again. There stood the epitome of "The Hollywood Actress" - long legs, flowing hair, fake breastages, and oozing with either confidence, cockiness, or cattiness. In this town it was hard to distinguish between them, but as the actor watched her sign in, he knew that one of the three was going to rear it's ugly head.

The breastaged woman looked up from the 'sign-in' sheet and had a puzzled look on her face. She turned to the Equity Monitor, a plus-sized woman, and asked her when the Equity auditions were ending. The monitor pulled herself away from the script she was reading and informed Miss Long Legs that the sign in for union actors ended at 12:30 PM.

As the actor peered over his "Jesus" lines, he knew that cattiness was pushing cocky and confidence out of the way to be heard. He tried to concentrate on his script, but the argument between Long Legs and Plus Size Monitor ensued: "I am SAG and AFTRA, so you have to see me!" "You're not EQUITY, so you can come back to the Non-Union Auditions." "I am SAG, which is a Union!" "Yes, but you are not EQUITY." "That doesn't matter!!!" "Yes, it does. And besides, sign up ended 10 minutes ago". "You have to see me since I am in SAG!!!" "No, we don't" "Blah (nit-pick) blah SAG!!!" "BLAH (personal dig) BLAH EQUITY!!!"

"Sean Spence?"

Through this whole argument, the actor didn't see the other monitor come out. He had called his name. It was now the actor's turn to go in and audition. The actor could tell he wasn't nervous, but he surely would have liked to have some peace and quiet before such an important audition. That obviously wasn't going to happen. He had to do his best Jesus with what he had already prepared. As he entered the casting room, a last thought went through his mind - "I hate actors."

Brad Gilmore, the casting director, introduced the actor to his assistant, Pam. They seemed like nice people but you can never tell in Hollywood. Brad took his seat behind the table across from the actor and, after a brief "get to know you" dialogue, he asked the actor if he was ready. The actor said yes and waited for his lead-in line "I'm not who I thought I was my whole life."

"M notwooi thotwas miholif"

As the actor sat there trying to translate what could only be explained as a mix between Broken English, Swahili, and a language only spoken by a tribe in the back woods of Zimbawe, he knew this was not going to be good. As the casting director kept feeding him garbled words in foriegn languages, he pulled out every trick his had in his back pocket. The actor fought long and hard - hitting beats, showing wry wit, getting in touch with his old imaginary friend - to show the man at the table that he was best Jesus that would walk through the door.

When the two men got to the end of the script, they shook hands and parted ways, both knowing that they would not be seeing each other in the near future. Jesus had left the building.