A Working Actor's Lament (Chapter 25)

"The Search for a True Character"

As an actor, you are constantly trying to think of better ways to 'sell' yourself. Sure, you could put up a billboard on Hollywood Boulevard, or plaster your face on a park bench across the street from NBC Studios, but would that really help? I was thinking "No, what I really needed was a mascot." My own acting mascot that the acting community could look at and say "Hey, let's call that guy in. He has a cute mascot." But who, or what, could I get as a mascot? It seems like all the best one's are taken.

That got me to thinking about the best Advertising Mascots in history. I mean, who could think of any better mascots than:

Steven, the Dell Dude - "Hey, I'm looking for a new computer...why not ask that 35 year old stoner kid who hangs out with our high school son ." Why not, indeed.

Kool Aid - Nothing quenches my thirst like a car-sized punch bowl slamming through my living room wall with his kid in hand. "Hey kids, how would you like to partake in the juicy remains of my child?" Oh, YEAAHH!!!

Orville Redenbacher (and Grandson) - Remember when you used to sit around with grandpa and talk about the good ole days when popcorn used to be just bland puffs of air, and how grandpa's would puff up lighter and fluffier then the average kernel of corn? Neither do I. Absolute Gold.

Mr. Six (Six Flags) - A creepy, old, dancing man pulls up to a group of kids and invites them to go to the park with him. How much fun would that be!!! Immeasurable!!!

The Burger King - "Uh, honey, that smiling statue that is stalking me got in the house again, and he has a BK Broiler and fries. Honey, are you still there? Honey? Where is my wife??? What did you do with her, you sick preparer of delicious burgers?"

Campbell Soup Kids - There is nothing that says "soup is good food" as two Swedish kids sharing a creepy, uncomfortable look over lunch. Can you say "Mmm Mmm, good?"!!!

The Fruit of the Loom Guys - "Four men dressed like fruit: an apple, purple grapes, green grapes and...a leaf...a brown leaf. Kiwi? Watermelon? Peach? Orange? Pear? Why would we have those? I'm telling you, a brown leaf is perfect." And so are your mascots, my friends, so are your mascots.

Joe Boxer - How do you compete with four fruits? You put one in your own boxers and let him move like he was a background dancer for Madonna's "Truth or Dare" tour. Joe Boxer, you wizard of merchandising!!!

Miles Thirst (Sprite) - Not only have you brought back the nightmares that I had as a child with my action figures coming to life, but you helped me to realize that all they ever wanted was a nice refreshing drink while riding my dog, Ricky. Masterful Marketing!!!

Vince and Larry (DMV) - Hey, hey? I got a great idea...let's take the test dummies and make them talk. And, let's show what they look like after they get into an accident. And, while we show their mangled bodies in the car afterwards, let's give them some funny ironic lines, like "Boy, do I fell like a dummy." Tragic and informative, yet hilarious!!!

I will continue to ponder the look and feel of my mascot, but until then, I will work on my slogan. Unfortunately "Where's the Beef?" would have been perfect. Damn you, Wendy's, and your marketing geniuses.