The Freaks Come Out At Night

I hate the rain, and let me tell you why...because I own a dog.

I have to take my dog out every night before I go to bed. Not by choice, but because my wife feels that the dog can't go 15+ hours without relieving his bladder. So begins the ritual of putting on my coat and shoes, grabbing a bag, leashing the dog and heading out into the night. On those lucky nights, like tonight, the rain is falling, changing this from a simple outing to an adventure.

Max, my 8 year old Lab, loves the smells of the outside. I don't think there is a blade of grass that he has not enjoyed the aroma of or a tree that he has not whiffed the sap. While he walks me to the next tree, I hear it...

Crunch.

What was that? I don't think the sidewalk is supposed to make any noise. Maybe it was just my imag...

Crunch.

Who's out there? Show yourself!!!. I take a couple of more steps...

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

I look over at Max who is enjoying the bush up against the apartment building to my left. Was he eating something? No, the noise was closer than that. It was almost as if it was right beneath my feet. As I look down at the spotted sidewalk in front of me, I notice it is moving. Not the sidewalk but the spots...slowly moving across my path. They were back.

The snails were the size of VW Bugs, not the old ones made in Mexico but the new ones with the dome top and beading headlights, and they were everywhere. I tried to avoid them but with every step, heaven was becoming more crowded. I felt my knees get weaker and weaker with every placement of my foot until I couldn't take the sound any more. I stopped in my tracks and tried to grab my composure. I peered over at Max who had the look of a desperate child grabbing himself so they don't make an accident in their Gungaroos. I had to help him find the perfect tree and now. I had to step up to the challenge, walk this landmine field of snails and get back home before my wife called the cops and reported us missing.

I mustered up all the courage I had and took my first step. No noise. I could do this. Step. Silence. Step. Silence. I WAS DOING IT...as I got underneath the street light, I looked down and realized that I was avoiding falling leafs. Where were the snails? Why are they toying with me. As I started to laugh and cry at the same time, Max finally found the spruce that best suited him tonight. As he finished, I decided that this was a game that I was going to win. I dared the kamikaze snails to commit what could only be called their last mission for their country. I turned and walked back from whence I came, not straying from my path back home.

As I got back to my front door, I didn't know if it was sweat on my brow or the beads of rain falling from the sky. I think it might have been the tears of God crying at all of his creatures that I unsuccessfully missed while avoiding leaves and dirt marks on the sidewalk. I unleashed the dog, let him inside and looked back at the destruction I had caused...the shells, the slime...I knew it was going to be a long night, lying in bed waiting for the morning when I would do my snail-dance on the sidewalk again.