A Working Actor's Lament (Chapter 26)

Life Needs Perspective Every Now and Zen

Robin and I decided that it was time to put our Toyota Corolla in for it's 15,000 mile service. Gotta keep the car in running condition, right? I mean, how are we supposed to get to those auditions that our agent isn't sending us out on without a car? Bitter, party of 2, your table will be ready in an hour, thanks for being patient.

Robin followed me to the Toyota dealership. I was in the lead in our 1987 Volkswagen Cabriolet. After dropping off the Corolla, we decided to head off and do some errands, but our 29 year old VW Cab had other plans. I have not heard a sound that loud and irritating since the time I continuously hit my hand with a meat cleaver while standing on razor blades. As our trusty car seized up by the AC compressor taking it last breath, it finally hit Robin and myself that maybe we were in the market for a newer car. All I can say is, thank God for AA. And AAA. They were there in 20 minutes and had us at our local Pep Boys, just in time to catch attitude from an underpaid employee who took it upon himself to try and rack up every possible service that Pep Boys offers. However, they wouldn't be able to let us know the full extent of the damage until Monday, when the AC guy would be able to look it over.

At this time, the mercury in my internal thermometer hit 104 degrees, the same temperature as it was outside. And, since both cars were inoperable and out of our possession, Robin and I got to spend some quality time together on our nice, brisk 2 mile walk home. It is a good thing I wore shorts so my pasty, white legs could get some sun. Was this my lucky day? You bet it was.

It was a good thing Robin got those tickets to see "Last Comic Standing" tonight. If we needed to laugh on any day, this was going to be the day. We jumped into our newly serviced Corolla and drove into Pasadena, birthplace of Julia Childs, Marvel Superhero Tiger Shark, and Craftsman School of Agriculture. After finding a parking space a mile away from the theater, we finally arrived to see the line of other fellow fans who couldn't wait to see the comedic styles of Ty Barnett, Josh Blue and Chris Porter. As we passed the ticket holders, we noticed we couldn't see the back of the line. By the time we got to it 10 minutes later, we were about 3,500 people from the entrance. It was 6:25 PM, plenty of time to get all of us into the theater, seated, and get the show started by 8:00.

At 7:50, only 100 people from getting in, we were informed that there were no more seats. Curse you, Julia Childs, and this city of your birth!!!! We were given a number to call for possible "VIP Priority" seats to another showing, but the damage had been done. We were spent. We tried to find a bar to drown our spirits completely, but it was Saturday night...everyone was looking to drown themselves. After paying for parking in a city we didn't do anything in, we headed home. On the trip home, the zen list, which was recently emailed to me, was the only thing I could think of to keep me centered:

ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

14. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

15. Don't worry; it only seems 'kinky' the first time.

16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

24. We are born naked, wet, hungry, and get slapped on our butt. Then things get worse.

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday... around age 11.

29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

30. No one is listening until you fart.

On Monday, I will be ready for you, Mr. AC Man...oh, yes, I will be ready.