Even Scientologists Abort the "Mission"

Let me start off by saying that I am not a Scientologist and I still don't think there is a baby Suri anywhere on this planet...or any other, for that matter. That said...

I am sure that every 'thetan' here on Earth is scratching their heads (they do have heads, right?) wondering what happened this summer in the movie theaters. I mean, how could Mission Impossible III, starring the head thetan Tom Cruise, be raped and pillaged by 'Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest'? These two movies were supposed to be the blockbusters of 2006 and fight neck and neck (do thetans have necks?) to the end...or at least till September 4th.

To be fair, I have not seen 'Pirates' and I have seen 'Mission'. I did like the impossible mission that Tom chose to accept this time around. The story didn't dumb down the audience, it had one of the best villains in recent history (Phillip Seymour Hoffman), and the first 5 minutes before the opening credits has to be the most nail biting beginning of any film in the past 50 years of film. I am not saying I didn't have problems with some of the story, but what film doesn't have some problem, be it continuity or minor loopholes? I still left knowing that I was entertained and didn't lose any IQ points in the process. Don't believe me? Read any of the 139 out of 197 glowing reviews from papers around the world here. A 71% (C average, fair grade) for it's third time out is the perfect grade for this movie.

'Pirates', on the other hand, had 100 out of 185 good reviews. That is 54%, an F in my book and at my old high school stomping grounds. And with glowing reviews like "It ought to sink from the weight of the cargo, but it's buoyed by another high-wire performance from Depp" (Joe Williams, St. Louis Dispatch), and "(It) returns to theaters for more summer swashbuckling, only they may have forgotten to buckle their swash" (Joshua Tyler, CinemaBlend), the raves really don't rave about it. And, you should see the reviews of the critics who hated it. Ouch.

Forget about the reviewers for a second. I have asked many of my friends who have seen this film if I should pony up the $12.50 and sit through it. I get the occational "It's not as good as the first", but I get more of "They just rehashed the same jokes from 'Curse of the Black Pearl'". To me, it sounds like this movie just doesn't have a fanbase, movie critic or Joe Public.

Here is my problem...'Pirates' has made almost 350 million dollars by the time you are reading this. It has broken records (biggest single day gross of $55.8M, largest grossing weekend with $135M, heftiest 10-day take with $258.4M, fastest grossing film to $300M in 16 days, etc.). It looks like it is on it's way to surpass "Titanic" as the biggest grossing film of all time, domestically at least.

Question: What happened to us? Are we willing, as movie-goers, to sit through dribble and rehashed stories just because it is 100+ degrees outside? Movies that make us think don't do it for us anymore? Yes, I could be proven wrong with 'Godzilla', 'The Adventures of Pluto Nash', 'Batman and Robin', and 'Battlefield Earth'. However, I ask you, is 'PotC: DMC' truly better than any of these films?

I am bummed that the third installment of 'Mission Impossible' will top out at the box office with what 'Pirates' made on it's opening weekend. I am sure that using a couch as a trampoline and spouting verbal diarrhea at Matt Lauer does not help any situation, but can't we separate all the extraneous crap that comes along with being a celebrity and not settle for second best? Yes, Tom Cruise is an cushion-jumping, Xenu-loving, memory-implanted alien who impregnated Katie Holmes with an invisible baby, but come on. Maybe we could strive for a D- film next year.