My Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
It has been 38 years since my last confession...I think it is because I am not catholic.
I know this might not be appropriate at this time of year, being that I really want that PlayStation 3 and all, but did you ever wonder why the two people associated with Christmas don't really look like they should share the same day? Let's face it, I think Jesus had the right idea with bread and wine over your cookies and milk. I mean, look at him; he is pretty ripped in all the 'photos' I've seen. You...not so much. Sure, milk is good for your bones and wine is good for your blood, but COOKIES!!! I can only assume Jesus was breaking whole wheat or rye. You think when you started this whole 'gift giving' process, that would have been something you might have considered. I don't know, maybe you didn't think it was going to catch on and your diet of Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter Swirls would only be a phase.
Here is another question I have...You have rosy cheeks and a cherry nose, yet Jesus is the one drinking. How does that happen? Now either you are starting off the night lit like a brush fire, or Jesus had one heck of a tolerance for the hard stuff. Look, I have had my intake of Whole Milk, Skim Milk, Soy Milk, Almond Milk, Rice Milk, Condensed Milk, Evaporated Milk, Reduced Fat and Non-Fat Milk, but they have never made me drunk enough to break into people's homes. And, I can only assume that you are pretty much soused because most people have DOORS to enter their homes. What sober person would think the chimney is the best way to break in? And then, not only don't you take anything, but you decided it would be a great way to Punk people if you started leaving stuff behind?!?!?!
And what made you think you really needed a 'catch phrase'? "Ho, Ho, Ho" has got to be the lamest one I have ever heard. Just so you know, only superheroes are allowed to have 'catch phrases'. "Up, up and away", "To the Batmobile", "It's Clobberin' Time"..."Ho, Ho, Ho"? At least Jesus was smart enough to not have one. And, if he did, I'm sure it would have been a cool one like "Not the face!" or "I'll show you, Dad!"
Look, all I am saying is I think you should have thought out this whole Christmas thing a little more. I think if you would have sat down with a group of your friends at dinner, you might have been able to bounce some ideas off of each other. It worked for Jesus.
Thanks, and I will leave the front door unlocked this year.
Sean
It has been 38 years since my last confession...I think it is because I am not catholic.
I know this might not be appropriate at this time of year, being that I really want that PlayStation 3 and all, but did you ever wonder why the two people associated with Christmas don't really look like they should share the same day? Let's face it, I think Jesus had the right idea with bread and wine over your cookies and milk. I mean, look at him; he is pretty ripped in all the 'photos' I've seen. You...not so much. Sure, milk is good for your bones and wine is good for your blood, but COOKIES!!! I can only assume Jesus was breaking whole wheat or rye. You think when you started this whole 'gift giving' process, that would have been something you might have considered. I don't know, maybe you didn't think it was going to catch on and your diet of Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter Swirls would only be a phase.
Here is another question I have...You have rosy cheeks and a cherry nose, yet Jesus is the one drinking. How does that happen? Now either you are starting off the night lit like a brush fire, or Jesus had one heck of a tolerance for the hard stuff. Look, I have had my intake of Whole Milk, Skim Milk, Soy Milk, Almond Milk, Rice Milk, Condensed Milk, Evaporated Milk, Reduced Fat and Non-Fat Milk, but they have never made me drunk enough to break into people's homes. And, I can only assume that you are pretty much soused because most people have DOORS to enter their homes. What sober person would think the chimney is the best way to break in? And then, not only don't you take anything, but you decided it would be a great way to Punk people if you started leaving stuff behind?!?!?!
And what made you think you really needed a 'catch phrase'? "Ho, Ho, Ho" has got to be the lamest one I have ever heard. Just so you know, only superheroes are allowed to have 'catch phrases'. "Up, up and away", "To the Batmobile", "It's Clobberin' Time"..."Ho, Ho, Ho"? At least Jesus was smart enough to not have one. And, if he did, I'm sure it would have been a cool one like "Not the face!" or "I'll show you, Dad!"
Look, all I am saying is I think you should have thought out this whole Christmas thing a little more. I think if you would have sat down with a group of your friends at dinner, you might have been able to bounce some ideas off of each other. It worked for Jesus.
Thanks, and I will leave the front door unlocked this year.
Sean
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