Leaving My Skin At The Chinny "Chin Chin's"

For those of you who work and feel the need to eat out once in a while for lunch, you can understand my pain for eating at the same restaurants that are within walking distance of your job. Why not eat there? - you can walk over, order, sit down, bitch about your bosses, pay the bill and walk back and still have time to clip your toe nails or re-apply your make-up before you continue on the road to carpal tunnel and worker's comp.

On Friday, with my cravings for Johnny Rockets, Rubio's and Kabuki already at the lowest of lows, Robin calls me up and asks if I want to get out of the area and try a different restaurant. Was is my birthday and I just forgot? Did my boss tell her I was getting a raise? Was it payday? Oh, it was payday, so out of the building and away from the mundane to explore the eatery's in Culver City. With our friend Galina in the backseat, we decided that the Chinese restaurant Chin Chin's was our final destination. No burger and fries today; no baja burrito was to pass my lips this afternoon; no, I was going to have high-class egg flower soup and rice with the topping of my choice.

Almond Shrimp, Sweet and Sour Pork, Lo Mein, Chow Mein, Won Ton, Dim Sum - who could choose? Everything looked great on the menu and sounded even better when spoken. Galina ordered, then Robin, and then it was my turn. What could tempt me more than the other items on the menu? I decided on the luscious Lemon Chicken - a chicken breast breaded with love and placed on a blanket of lettuce. Did I mention that they fry it in lava?

The food came and the steam billowed off the breast of chicken in front of me, tempting me to push aside the chopsticks, grab the fork and dig in as soon as humanly possible. As I punctured the meat with the prongs of my utensil, I did not notice the juice flowing out; tears from the fouls body forecasting my future. I placed the breaded meat in my mouth, closed my jaws on it whilst it lay across my tongue...and then I blacked out.

After awaking from my 3 second coma, I realized that my teeth were not only hurting, but the flesh around them was slowly being seared off. Not one to be disgusting, I decided it would be better for the other people at the table to not see a grown man spit food back onto his plate, so I sucked up the pain and kept the breaded chicken with volcano juice in my mouth. My life passed before my eyes, and all I could think about was, "Wow, that was boring".

After swallowing the flame that had been ignited in my mouth, I touched what was left of my tongue to the roof of my mouth and along the back side of my teeth. There was a weird sensation, as if my teeth now had curtains that had been drawn closed. I know it had been a while since I had seen the dentist, but who gave him the permission to redecorate and not tell me about it? No one, that's who. I excused myself from the table and headed towards the bathroom where I could see what, for the love of God, was going on in there.

I looked in the mirror and saw something that the creators of the "Saw" movies should use in "Saw IV". The skin from around my back three teeth on both sides of my upper jaw had been fried, like the chicken that had done this, and was hanging on for dear life. After 'pulling the curtains' and returning to the table, it took all that I had to finish eating. The ulcers that were now making my teeth throb were also making it impossible to enjoy any amount of food that I had left, which was all of it. With an empty belly, a throbbing mouth, and a tear in my eye, I drove the women back to our place of employment knowing that a steady diet of cold liquids was in my future for the next couple of days.

I know what you are asking yourself...and yes, next time I will try the Boiling Won Ton with a side order of Magma-filled Pot Stickers and wash it down with delicious Radiator Water.

Mmmm, mmmm, good.