A Working Actor's Lament (Chapter 45)

The One-Two Punch

Recently, I have decided that waiting 7 months to hear from my agent might be a sign that they are not working for me. I mean, yes, I haven't really called them either, so I guess I am to blame, too. However, I knew when I signed up with them that the fact they had the headshots of their models all over their walls (and me not being a model), this might not be the right agent for me. Hey, when you are desperate you will do anything.

For the past 3 weeks I have been trying to come up with a cover letter that might stand out from the thousands of other actors who would be submitting to the same agencies. I just needed that one agency to read my cover letter and say, "Yes, this is the one we have been waiting for." I have been pounding out one right after the other and showing them to my acting coach who said I could use his name and has been giving me feedback on them. My first one went:

Dear Mr. Agent,

Couple of things:

1. Brian Reise has been kind enough to allow me to use him as an industry referral while seeking representation across the board.
2. Do you think that Jack, Kate, Sawyer and the rest of the "Lost" survivors are in some alternate universe or it is all just a bad dream, like the "Newhart" finale?
3. I am a talented, hard-working actor who just needs to get in the door of casting directors.
4. Is Weird Al's "White and Nerdy" seriously better than Camillionaire's "Ridin' Dirty"? I would argue "yes"!!!
5. Do you really think Pope Benedict XVI was the best choice to succeed John Paul II? I thought the obvious choice was Pope Pius XIII , the Party Pope of Passau.
6. Most importantly...the Brian Reise thing from above.

If you feel like conversing about any of the above topics, or need that talented, hard-working actor to fill out your roster, please call me. I am also well versed on Bon Jovi (the band), Survivor (not the band), 24 (the number and the show), Boston Legal, Heroes, Stephen King, The Office, Studio 60, and Grey's Anatomy.

Have a great day.

PS If the receptionist is reading this, you look beautiful today.


My teacher told me that it looked too much like the other 'cover letters' that are coming across their desks. They would not even read it because it looked too much like a business letter.

Check. Let's try this:


TITLE

"The Industry Referral"

FADE IN

INT APARTMENT DEN

SEAN SPENCE (30's) sits at his computer ready to type. As his brow furrows, thoughts run through his head: should this be a funny letter, or maybe he should show his creative side. Thoughts of tearing up his headshot and sending one piece at a time to the prospective agents seemed too "psychotic". His fingers touch the keyboard and don't move. This must be "The Wall" Pink Floyd talked about. He gets up and heads towards the kitchen.

INT APARTMENT KITCHEN

Sean opens the refrigerator door and sees...chicken. Was his 'fridge trying to tell him something? Was he afraid to take a chance and not send the generic "form" letter that every actor over the past 50+ years has mailed in hopes of representation across the board? Was he tentative to put himself out there to be judged again? No, it was just one- day old chicken that he would devour when the letter was stamped and in the mail. He shuts the refrigerator with nothing in his hand, knowing that he must knock down this Pink "Wall" that Floyd had conveniently put on his computer screen before his appetite would kick in.

INT APARTMENT DEN

Sean sits back down at his desk. He thinks of what words he should start with... "Movie Credits?" "Television Credits?" "Training?" Sure, he thought, he could mention the short film he starred in that screened at the 2006 LA Shorts and the 2006 Portland Intl. Short Festival...he could mentions his extensive theater background here in Los Angeles...he could even mention his training with BRIAN REISE (ageless) over the past 8 months. Then he remembered...he had asked Brian if he could use his name to get in the door at some of the agencies. Sean then realized that he could never pass as Brian, but maybe the sheer mention of his name might just be enough. Brian told Sean it was alright, and Sean decided this would be the road he would take.

INT APARTMENT DEN - LATER

Sean's fingers stop typing. This was it - this was the letter. He reaches for a manilla envelope, inserts the cover letter with a headshot, closes the top, clasps it, puts a 63 cent stamp on the top right corner and places the envelope next to his incoming mail he has yet to read. Then he notices the voter booklet laying there. As he picks it up and begins to read, his brow furrows...

FADE OUT


"Too Wordy"

Check. Let's try:


Dear Mr. Agent,

Ask yourself: Do you have a talented, hard-working, dedicated, self-motivated, creative actor in his 30's on your roster?

Sure, but does he have a dry sense of humor with a dramatic edge, a small bout of dyslexia and a spelling problem?

Then I'm man your. Don't believe me, just call Brian Reese Rice Rese Reise (323-xxx-xx93).

Sean

PS Why are you still reading this? Phone up the pick and call Brain Brian.


"Too Smart"

Seriously? Well, what about:

"GIVE A MAN A FISH"

FADE IN

SEAN SPENCE (30's) sits at his desk about to write his cover letter to the agent. His red beta FISH (3 months old) stares at him through the glass bowl.

SEAN
What?

FISH
Bloop.

SEAN
(getting closer to the bowl)
Are you looking at me? Are you
looking at me?

Sean looks behind him. The fish keeps staring.

SEAN
I'm losing it. Fish can't talk. Like
a fish is going to give good agent
advice.

The fish keeps staring.

Beat.

SEAN
(breaking down crying)
WHY? Why do you taunt me so?
Damn you...damn you back to the
big blue ocean from whence you
came.

The fish flinches in the bowl. He blows a BUBBLE then floats on his side.

SEAN
Don't turn your back on me! Hey, I'm
TALKING to you. Oh, you want to play
it like that? I'll show you...you'll see.
YOU'LL SEE, FISH!!!

The fish floats motionless at the top of the bowl as Sean begins to type maniacally - "Dear Agent, Brian Reise suggested writing you about possible representation..."

FADE OUT

ROLL CREDITS

Sean Spence SAG
Contact Number: 818-xxx-xx46

END CREDITS

"Too Something. Let me show you what I am talking about"

My teacher pulls out of his desk 'cover letters' that his students sent out where the agencies contacted him to say they were really impressed by them and thought they were 'out of the box' thinking. However, they were more like flyers. One he showed me had an ear of corn as a background (the actress was from Iowa) and on every leaf were descriptions of her, like "home grown", "well-rooted", etc. another was an actor who was wearing a cowboy hat and made his 'letter' look like a Wanted Poster. Well, not wanting to copy any of those ideas, I started beating my head up against the wall to try and come up with something original. I was completely lost. Wait a minute...lost...yes.

How about:

"Too Doggie" - whatever that means. Well, I could go back and forth for months and never send to any agencies because my cover letter didn't sound right. So I decided to use the "Lost" poster and see what happens. I mailed out 16 on Tuesday and 14 yesterday.

Today at 5 PM, I got a call from a great agency called The House of Representatives. They left a message on my voicemail to tell me they got my submission but they are not looking for anyone right now. Let's hope that the other 29 agencies get the joke.

After that news, I headed to acting class. Afterwards, I called up Robin and she informed me that Slamdance, one of the festivals that I submitted "Lucidity" to, wrote me to tell me they regreted they were not able to use my film this year.

As I sit here, I am not upset. I know that something good is going to happen to either Robin or myself this year regarding this industry. I have to believe that perserverance will pay off at some point, and when that opportunity does come knocking on my door, I will be ready.

Kramer Vs. Kramer...A Man Fighting His Demons

Alright, I am going to go on a rant and this will be the only time I ever mention this again. It is just something I need to get off my chest.

Michael Richards is a moron.

That said, can we all just move on? We all know he made some EXTREMELY stupid comments and his career is now over. He hasn't really worked as a actor since Seinfeld, he is a sub-standard comedian, and now one of the most profiled mentally handicapped people in America right now. Here is my problem...how many times does he need to go on TV and radio and publicly apologize before people will accept him again? I think 'never', so why does everyone want him to?

I think the 'n' word is THE most offensive word in the English language (I have only uttered it once because it was scripted in a play, and that was still a hurdle that was hard to jump), but I don't think we need to keep brow beating this ignorant comedian over the head with how wrong it was to use that word in this day and age. The longer we focus on what he said and parade him in front of the public, NO ONE will get past the racism that EVERYONE seems to want to get past. The longer this is talked about and made into public news, and I mean by every race and nationality, we will never become one HUMAN race.

Thanks for your time...now get back to work.

Crystal "Math"

I am not sure if everyone out there knows what I do on a day to day basis at my 'drone' job. When I am not acting, I am analyzing data for 1-800-DENTIST. Needless to say, I analyze from the crack of dawn to the break of lunch to the end of days. I recently received an email with some great math JPG's and I just had to share with you. If you are into numbers like I am (curse you, Sudoku!!!!), then you will probably get a kick out of these.

Light A Candle

Bristol-Myers-Squibb is donating $1 for every candle which is lit on their web site, up to $100,000. The funds raised will be given to The National AIDS Fund, which is one of America's largest philanthropic organizations dedicated to eliminating HIV/AIDS as a major health and social problem.

Do your part and light the virtual candle on the following website:

https://www.lighttounite.org/

It doesn't cost a thing and only takes a minute.

10 Truths

I recently received the following. If you are easily offended, you might not want to read this one.



10 Truths Black and Hispanic people know but White people wont admit

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.


10 Truths White and Black People know but Hispanic people wont admit

1. Hickeys are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a pet or a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
7. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami & Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.


10 Truths White and Hispanic people know but Black people wont admit

1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth shouldn't be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. Red is not a Kool Aid flavor, its a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

A Working Actor's Lament (Chapter 44)

Would You Care For Some "Desert"?

First of all, I have to mention this because it is really cool. Robin has had a mole on her right cheek since as long as she can remember and has wanted to have it removed even longer. Since our doctor did not want to touch any moles on the face that didn't look cancerous, she decided to take it upon herself and find one that did. Well, boy, did she find one.

We pulled into Dr. Will Kirby's parking lot earlier today. For those of you who do not know Dr. Will Kirby, he is the winner of Big Brother 2 and came in 4th place on Big Brother All Stars (he was also 1/2 of 'Chill Town' with Mike Boogie). He was so funny on that show, and Robin and I were big fans of his, so Robin decided she wanted to visit him for the removal of her mole. It was really great to see him in person. He was nothing like his persona on TV, which was really nice to see. I think he was in his 'doctor' mode and has probably wanted to move on since the show. However, Robin now has a famous (depending on your idea of reality stardom) dermatologist.

You would think that would have been the big news for the day, but there is more. After we got home (it took us an hour and a half to travel 30 miles back home in rush hour traffic on the 405), I noticed I had a message on my cell phone. I called my voicemail to find out I missed a call from a woman named Beth Fromme. She told me on the phone that she was the president of the Desert Film Society in Palm Springs and that one of her staff was a screener for the Palm Springs Intl. Short Film Festival, a festival where I submitted "Lucidity" on but never got accepted. She told me the screener liked my film so much, she wrote my name and number from the label on the DVD. I called Beth back and she was very pleasant to me, saying she thought it was weird how her friend really liked my film but it was not accepted into the film festival. What great news!!! Here is the better news; she contacted me to have me send her a copy so she could watch it and possibly screen it for her film society.

I don't know if anything is going to happen with my film and this screening, but it truly makes me feel like I have made a movie that people can appreciate. At least, people that are not friends or family. I mean, my friends and family have to like it, right?

A Working Actor's Lament (Chapter 43)

Writing 101

If you have been keeping up with my past blogs, you might remember that my acting teacher has been allowing me write scenes that fellow actors put up in my class. If you haven't been keeping up with my past blogs...my acting teacher has been allowing me write scenes that fellow actors put up in my class.

A month and a half ago, one of my scenes was put up and I wasn't in class that week. I heard it went over great so I was pretty bummed I missed it. Yesterday, I was lucky enough to be there to see two very talented actors put my words into a live scene. It was so weird to see it up there being given life by actors who had their take on what the scene meant to them. Just so you are not in the dark, here is the scene I wrote:

Doctor
(entering the room) Tony.

Tony
How is she?

Doctor
Nancy is having an ectopic pregnancy, which occurs when implantation and subsequent development of a fertilized ovum is outside the uterus. As the embryo develops, the fallopian tube is unable to expand and…

Tony
Dammit, Bill, you’re our friend, don’t talk to me like a doctor. What is going on?

Doctor
There are complications that put both the baby and Nancy at risk. I’m sorry.

Tony
Is Nancy alright? Is my son…?

Doctor
They’re both fine. We’re doing all we can…but there is a chance that hemorrhaging could occur.

Tony
Jesus.

Doctor
I hate to do this to you, Tony, but if that does happen…we may have to focus on either Nancy or the baby.

Tony
Are you asking me to choose between my wife and my son? Are you?

Doctor
Tony,…

Tony
You save them both…You make sure they both come out of the delivery room…You save them both, do you hear me?

Doctor
Yeah, I hear you. I’ll do my best. (turns to walk away)

Tony
Bill? (long beat) My son. Save my boy.


I still have 4 more scenes that I have given my teacher for the class. I can't wait to see them. My teacher has told me that I can write dialogue, I just judge it too harshly. He told me that this scene is a very complicated scene for actors and it is up there with other medical dramas on TV right now. That put a smile on my face.

I don't think I want to be a writer for the industry; that is not where my passion is. However, it is something I truly enjoy and it keeps the creative juices flowing through me. I so have to make it in this town. Besides Robin, nothing makes me happier than being a part of this industry.

A Working Actor's Lament (Chapter 42)

"A Few Good Men" Not Considered

Let me start by saying that if this blog comes off egotistical, that is not my intention. Anyone who knows me knows that my ego is in check, and if it ever gets out of check, my friends are first to put it back in that position. I hope that my frustration shows through stronger.

I was really looking forward to this weekend. There is a play that I have been wanted to do for a while now, "A Few Good Men", and there was an AEA (Equity Waiver) version in my neck of the woods, if the woods went for 25 miles to the North of me. I had my initial audition on Saturday and had to do a one minute monologue. The director said he liked it but wanted to see if I could take direction and asked me to do as a kleptomaniac. After a couple of lines, the director stopped me and told me that he was glad I came in as I was the strongest actor to come in so far. I thanked him and he asked me to come to callbacks on Sunday (today), then he asked me what characters I would be interested in playing. I told him Daniel Kaffee (the Tom Cruise role from the movie) or Jack Ross (the Kevin Bacon role). He said no problem and he would see me later.

I woke up this morning, caffeinated myself, and was in my car heading 25 miles North by 9:15 AM. When I arrived, there were plenty of actors in the lobby waiting for 10 AM to start the callbacks. I was called in first to read for Kaffee and did an alright job (a B in my book). I left the theater and went into the lobby where I heard the other 4 actors reading for Kaffee. I was then called back in to read for Ross. The director kept in one of the Kaffee's to read with me, then I was excused back to the lobby to listen in on the rest of the auditions. Then I started to notice that no one else was going in to read for Kaffee. The director had kept the same guy in while other characters were being read. And, I was wondering why the director was keeping this man in...he was not that good. Not that I was the best, but I did a better read then this guy, and there was another actor I saw go in who had a pretty good reading and he only went in once, too. I started to realize that the guy who was still in there seemed to know the theater pretty well, as he was making coffee and answering the phones before the audition.

I was called in about 40 minutes later and read for a smaller role (one played by Noah Wyle in the film) and then sent back out to the lobby to listen and wait some more. Then I noticed something else...the guy auditioning for Sam (played by Kevin Pollack in the movie) never left the theater area. I never saw him in the lobby. I took it upon myself to ask one of the audition-ers who the guy was who was reading for Kaffee, and he told me that he was the manager of the theater. Putting two and two together, I remembered the manager and the man reading for Sam were pretty chummy with each other. I told the monitor that I had to run to my car, I called Robin and told her there was no way I was going to get Kaffee.

After about 2 hours of auditioning, the director came out and said that the roles for Kaffee, Sam and Jo (the Demi Moore role) had been cast and if anyone wanted another role to stick around. I was still interested in the role of Jack Ross, but then I started to think about it.

1) Why would I want to work with a director who doesn't support the competition factor of auditions? If you know that you are going to cast the role and not keep an open mind to other actors, then don't put that role in the breakdowns and waste other actors time with the carrot that they are never going to get.

2) Why would I want to work opposite of an actor who is cast in the lead and is not that talented? Obviously, that actor is not going to put his heart and soul into the role if he didn't really have to work that hard to get it, and it could affect the actors they are playing against.

I know there is nepotism in Hollywood, whether it is in Hollywood California or Hollywood Florida, but it was so disheartening to see it up close and personal. And, as I sit here, I think "do I do the same thing?" I mean, I did cast my wife in my last movie. But, then again, I wrote the script with her in mind and didn't hold auditions to crush other actor's dreams.

I have decided to focus on my TV/Film career (since one usually doesn't see how good or bad the other actors are until the commercial or film comes out) and put my love of theater on the back burner for now. Once this bad taste has left, I may hit the boards again. But, trust me, I won't be anywhere where I can view my competition. Just in case.

I Feel Gassy

Robin and both woke up with a headache on Friday morning, but we didn't think anything of it. I thought it was either the mind-numbing feeling I get every Monday through Friday whenever I have to get into my car and drive 25 miles to a job that sucks the life force out of me, or it could have been the wine the night before. I found out later that it was neither.

Like every morning, my allergies are working overtime so I am pretty congested for the first hour I am up. Robin asked me if I smelled any gas in the house. I remembered the dog eating some cheese the night before, but I didn't think it would smell up the place that much. However, I couldn't smell a thing; I was 'gested. She told me she thought she smell natural gas but put that thought aside because I couldn't, and we headed off to Hell for 8 hours.

Upon returning home, she thought she stilled smelled gas. As I walked over to the stove in the kitchen, because that is where most stove are, I put my nose to the top of the appliance and took a whiff. She was right, there was a gas leak and it was coming from the stove in the kitchen, because that is where most stoves are. She called the gas company and they had someone out to our apartment in a couple of hours. He pulled out this contraption that detects gas by making a clicking sound. When he put it close to the stove in the kitchen, because that is where most stoves are, it sounded like a Geiger counter on crack. He said we definitely had a gas leak and he would have to replace the valve coming out of the wall and the hose that goes into the stove. It would only cost us a flat fee of $50. We called out manager to tell her, and after leaving a couple of messages, she called us back asking if it was an emergency because she was in a movie. We told our manager that her movie was way more important than the gas leak in our apartment and apologized for pulling her away from "Flushed Away". How dare we?

She realized it was an emergency and was cool to us afterward, telling us she would cover the $50 for the visit. After fixing the problem, the gas man told us that we had a 'very old stove' and that it was rusting inside. He then lit our pilot light on our furnace and was on his way. We felt like we had diverted tragedy. We were wrong.

We awoke this morning, both with splitting headaches again. As a man, I thought it was because our bodies might have been so used to the leaking gas, our bodies were not used to the good air in the apartment now. After realizing I said this out loud and how I was not truly showing my 138 IQ level, my wife told me she still smelled gas. Well, I have had some 'active' nights, and the gas man had fixed the problem, so I just assumed it was me. I had an audition for "A Few Good Men" this morning, and we also did some more running around. It was pretty hot outside so we decided we should leave the air on for the dog and shut all the windows up. When we got home a couple of hours later, the smell of the apartment was so strong that I finally understood what my wife was talking about. But the gas man fixed the problem, right?

We called the gas company again and told them they had to return because the smell was worse now. Unfortunately, I was to go to a bachelor party and couldn't stay home with my wife. On the way to the restaurant where I was going to meet the guys, Robin called me and told me they had just arrived. The gas man, after looking over the stove in the kitchen, because...you know...told Robin he could not leave the gas on going into the stove. We had a leak by the knobs where you turn the gas on and by the pipe under the top panel. Needless to say, Robin called the manager and we are due for a new stove on Monday...and take out all weekend!!!